>I am not doing to good at the moment. I am feeling very low and tearful, I have felt very exhausted the last few days and basic things seem to be taking their toll on me. We all no what the problem is though, this is all the result of anorexia, my BMI is extremely low, but a huge part of me doesn’t even want to try and fight it any more, I would be happy to keep going until I fade away to nothing. I have had a lower BMI before, a few years ago, but I am physically weaker this time, my body isn’t as resilient as it used to be.
I feel embarrassed by my body, I look tired, I have started losing hair again, I look a wreck to be honest. I am too embarrassed to make YouTube videos, which is something I normally enjoy.
Why don’t you eat more is the question you are probably wanting to ask, well that’s anorexia for you, I have been here before, I still have the damage to my body, I know what I am doing to myself, but I no longer care.
Psychologist on Friday, I promised myself that I was going to be more honest with her, but that was when I wanted to get better, I don’t any more.
I am fighting a war,mine just happens to be with life 
kiz
01/12/2010 at 9:41 pm
>hey keep going, just plodding along and writing here shows you care. i believe in you xxx
LosingIt
01/12/2010 at 11:43 pm
>I know how hard it is to resent the thought of recovery, so I wont tell you what you 'should' be feeling , because after having that said so manytimes it just gets annoying,You're allowed to feel whatever you want to,Take Care xo
Michael Paoli
02/12/2010 at 5:40 am
>Sorry to hear things aren't going so well.Wish I knew how I could fix it all for you.Some random thoughts/suggestions – maybe at least *some* of it may be useful/helpful to you, … and in not necessarily any particular order:Stuff you do/did like to do, e.g. YouTube videos. Try and do/find stuff to do that you like doing. YouTube videos – if you presently feel embarrassed to be showing yourself – you can just be the audio portion of a video – can put whatever you wish for the visual part of it – picture(s), black screen, Bob and/or Betty, … can drop/subdue the lighting, or blur the focus or add/use similar effects. Lots of folks on YouTube – especially when they're rather to quite camera shy – won't show their face … or even themselves at all – on their YouTube videos. You've got like 86 subscribers on YouTube – so I'm sure many of them would love to at least hear an update – and help as they can – and no matter how you're doing.Maybe do/find other stuff you like to do too. If you're not making it out at all – or aren't on some days, perhaps try and be sure to at least get out a little bit each day … doesn't have to be long, but bit of sunshine (at least if the weather cooperates), and some fresh air, … a spot of conversation here and there with a random stranger or two or more. Needn't be long, but at least something for some variety in the day. Perhaps also find some other varied stuff in the day that you actually like doing.Food, exhausted, weight, BMI, eating disorder, fade away, etc. Likely not a *whole* lot I can tell you that you don't more-or-less already know … but I can try 🙂 I'll tell you a wee bit of a true story. Once upon a time I was in a really bad place, and definitely *not* feeling well. Had a talk on the phone with a *really* good friend of mine. Among other things, he asked me what I'd been eating, … mostly about what I had/hadn't eaten in the last several days or more … probably also asked me at least a bit about what food I did/didn't have around at home. He told me to go to the store, what to buy, and to bring it home and *eat it*! … I well followed his advice, and did so. Certainly didn't fix *everything*, but I *did* feel quite considerably better after that. So yes, taking in ample calories and nutrition can help a *lot* – especially if you're not getting them. Certainly not a miracle cure for all that ails you, but it can help quite significantly. Maybe think of it at least as palliative care – you're feeling low, tearful, not too good, physically not good, etc. – palliative care with the food (sufficiently reasonable calories and nutrition), and it should at least significantly ease quite a bit of that suffering. Again, won't fix it all, but will help significantly. I'll make you a shopping list if you'd like.Psychologist & honesty – you do trust her – at least quite a bit, … why not be *really* honest? If you're feeling that low/down, not too much to lose, eh? Also, the more direct, honest, etc., you are and can be with telling her what you're feeling and thinking, the better she can help you. Maybe even write out, ahead of time, what you feel uneasy about, or aren't sure you want to tell her or how, and take those notes with you. Maybe if you also "spill" key bits – e.g. your feelings about being or not being honest/open with her, whether you feel like getting better – or giving up and fading away … essentially exactly what/how you're feeling/thinking … I'd think the more she knows where you're at with that – and have been – the more she can help you.Hope you're feeling better soon.Take Care.