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>Impulsiveness

11 Feb

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Impulsiveness can be  major problem for me, I am sure I have mentioned it many times before, it is something I try and keep under control, but sometimes I let it slip or have no control over it at all. Well today I got a new tattoo, I was walking back from my appointment with my psychologist, walked past a tattoo shop, went in and came out half an hour later with a tattoo. This is a familiar story for me, not always tattoo’s, it can be piercings, buying random things, like  an expensive kettle and toaster, don’t get me wrong, the kettle and toaster are lovely, but I have never used the toaster! I have spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds on stuff for Bob and Betty etc. All of this would be fine if I had the money in the first place, but often I don’t and it is only a few days later when it sinks in what I have bought that I have to sit down and work out how to pay for what I have bought or a way to take it back.

Anyways, today was the tattoo, is is nice, it is my favourite phrase, infact it is the title of my blog, it is a phrase that a lady once said to me when I first got really ill, I was at a mental health support group, I never used to talk back then, infact I stopped talking completely for nearly to months, but she said to me that she was fighting a war and that her war was with life. She was in her fifties, she had been in and out of psychiatric hospitals most of adult life, she had been very ill most of her adult life, but she was so wise and brave, when she said this phrase it really stuck in my mind. But what I found most amazing was what she said next, she said she wouldn’t take back any of what she had gone through. She suffered horrific abuse as a child, she had been beaten within a inch of her life by her first husband, she had spent time in several womens refuges with her children, she had lost her children and been under section after section, basically she had had such a awful life, but she said she would not change any of it, not one single bit. At the time I could not understand this, why would she not wanted to have changed it, swapped it for a normal life, had a nice husband, a nice house, brought up her children, been ‘normal’. She wouldn’t change it because everything she had been through made her the person she was, it made her her. I think when you are very ill it is hard to believe this, I still am not sure I will ever feel this way, I mean I would love to be ‘normal’, but would I? would that be me?

Anyways, I have the phrase ‘I’m fighting a war, mine just happens to be with life’ permanently tattooed onto my body, so you can safely say I will never forget that phrase! I owe this lady a lot, she gave me great support when I had none, she was the first person I ever met that understood me, I miss her, we drifted apart, but I will never forget her.

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9 Comments

Posted by on 11/02/2011 in Uncategorized

 

9 responses to “>Impulsiveness

  1. www.joannecamp

    11/02/2011 at 10:58 pm

    >Im impulsive too, one of the many things that comes with having Borderline Personality Disorder. I like your tattoo:-)Thanks for following me on Twitter, Im following you too and Ive subscribed to your YT channel. It was nice to find someone my age that has Self Harmed as long as me.My email:-www.joannecamp@hotmail.com

     
  2. Amy

    12/02/2011 at 10:04 am

    >Hey Amy, I think the tattoo is nice – it's a reminder of a phrase that's important to you and will be even after you recover :)I totally understand the feeling of impulsivity, I never used to realise it was even impulsive though, I thought I had "though about it properly" but really it was a 1 minute decision. The best thing I find with kettles etc, is to try and resist taking them out of the box for at least 24 hours so I can have a proper think about whether I really want it or not – and only buy from shops with a returns policy like argos etc. 🙂

     
  3. lotte

    12/02/2011 at 12:38 pm

    >Impulsivity….I know it well….for me it's Self Harm, Spending or worse an attempt to end my life. I jump in my car, speed off, sign up to college courses etc etc…..then other times I shit my self and cant leave the house.BTW ….I LOVE THE TATTOO…..Im after a Dove with the words pacis intus, which means peace within…Im waiting till im discharged and home for good.

     
  4. Michael Paoli

    12/02/2011 at 7:30 pm

    >"Normal" is overrated ;-)I've certainly been through helluva lot – at least at times … and certainly some of it wouldn't be classified as "normal" – and much of it was sh*t/hell and very and exceedingly painful, etc.But … would I prefer to have *not* gone through that? Okay, so I certainly don't think I'd care to be repeating the same. But no way in hell I'd want to trade what I've been through – even all the nasty bits – for skipping it and not having gone through it. Sure, sucked going through much of it, but learned a friggin' helluva lot along they way – and may have never learned it – nor as well, if I'd not been through such, … and sure as heck never would have learned it so (relatively) quickly and thoroughly without having been through such.

     
  5. Michael Paoli

    12/02/2011 at 7:39 pm

    >"Random" thought.If, an area where you rather actively self-harm … lets say it healed up enough to be quite safe to get a tattoo there. And let's say you got a tattoo there that you quite like. Would you be able to stop self harming? … or at least stop self-harming there? Would you care to and be able to display that tattoo?Absolutely no clue if that might be a good idea (might even be a very bad one) … but in any case, just a thought.So … what if, instead, it were some nice artwork or quote or whatever, that you quite liked, done not as tattoo, but written on in permanent marker? Do-it-yourself, or maybe someone with some care and artistic talent draws it there … would it / could it "eliminate" or at least reduce your self-harm? … and at least there?Yes, I know, … self-harm is *not* that simple, … *but* … maybe if it worked/helped?

     
  6. I love Bob Betty

    12/02/2011 at 9:26 pm

    >Thanks Michael, I wouldn't want you to change, as what ever you have been through I think has made you a pretty exceptional person :)I have looked into getting tattoos over some of my scaring, but they have said that isn't an option for me (scaring too deep etc), permanent pen sounds like an interesting option, I have a very artistic friend who may be willing to have a doodle on my arm. Hope you are well?

     
  7. I love Bob Betty

    12/02/2011 at 9:29 pm

    >Lotte, that tattoo sounds amazing, you should definitely get it done, controlling our impulsiveness can be really hard, but I guess it is something we will learn, well I hope anyways!xxx

     
  8. I love Bob Betty

    12/02/2011 at 9:33 pm

    >Amy you are right about my tattoo, the phrase means a lot and it will be nice to always have it there. Luckily I like my kettle! xxx

     
  9. Amanda

    25/02/2011 at 6:44 pm

    >I've just found your blog and can relate so much to impulsive spending :(But, I do love your tattoo. It's not like it's just some phrase, it actually means something to you which is important.

     

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