Impulsiveness can be major problem for me, I am sure I have mentioned it many times before, it is something I try and keep under control, but sometimes I let it slip or have no control over it at all. Well today I got a new tattoo, I was walking back from my appointment with my psychologist, walked past a tattoo shop, went in and came out half an hour later with a tattoo. This is a familiar story for me, not always tattoo’s, it can be piercings, buying random things, like an expensive kettle and toaster, don’t get me wrong, the kettle and toaster are lovely, but I have never used the toaster! I have spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds on stuff for Bob and Betty etc. All of this would be fine if I had the money in the first place, but often I don’t and it is only a few days later when it sinks in what I have bought that I have to sit down and work out how to pay for what I have bought or a way to take it back.
Anyways, today was the tattoo, is is nice, it is my favourite phrase, infact it is the title of my blog, it is a phrase that a lady once said to me when I first got really ill, I was at a mental health support group, I never used to talk back then, infact I stopped talking completely for nearly to months, but she said to me that she was fighting a war and that her war was with life. She was in her fifties, she had been in and out of psychiatric hospitals most of adult life, she had been very ill most of her adult life, but she was so wise and brave, when she said this phrase it really stuck in my mind. But what I found most amazing was what she said next, she said she wouldn’t take back any of what she had gone through. She suffered horrific abuse as a child, she had been beaten within a inch of her life by her first husband, she had spent time in several womens refuges with her children, she had lost her children and been under section after section, basically she had had such a awful life, but she said she would not change any of it, not one single bit. At the time I could not understand this, why would she not wanted to have changed it, swapped it for a normal life, had a nice husband, a nice house, brought up her children, been ‘normal’. She wouldn’t change it because everything she had been through made her the person she was, it made her her. I think when you are very ill it is hard to believe this, I still am not sure I will ever feel this way, I mean I would love to be ‘normal’, but would I? would that be me?
Anyways, I have the phrase ‘I’m fighting a war, mine just happens to be with life’ permanently tattooed onto my body, so you can safely say I will never forget that phrase! I owe this lady a lot, she gave me great support when I had none, she was the first person I ever met that understood me, I miss her, we drifted apart, but I will never forget her.