>Fat ass

>I have become a huge fat disgusting pig, I want to cry and cut all of the fat out of me. What makes it worse is I can’t stop adding to it, I am completely locked in a binge purge cycle, it is disgusting. Last night at 10:45 pm I was scoffing pizza, wedges, cookies and waffles from dominos. I am out of control. I am gaining weight at a phenomenal rate, I have gone from a BMI of 14.8 to 15.9 in a matter of weeks. I cannot cope with this. Every night I go to bed and say I wont allow it to happen the next day, but sure enough I do.

I was so close to finally getting the help I needed to get better from my ED, but I am now scared that as I am gaining weight they are going to brush me to one side. Monday was really controlled food wise, yesterday was until I decided to order pizza instead of going to bed, today has just been hell. My instinct is to try and restrict more than ever, it is what the anorexic part of me wants me to do, but the bulimic part of me is growing in strength and becoming the dominant voice in my head.

I CANNOT BARE THIS. I HATE EVERY INCH OF ME.

I have got a hamster, I did get two, but Jerry would not stop biting me, he was vicious. Apparently that is really unusual as roborovski dwarf hamsters are the least likely to bite, he would bite for no reason, I tried to grin and bare it, but he was getting worse, so he had to go back. Ben is the other one and is cute, very cute actually and is a welcome distraction from my mind. Bob and Betty are being quite good, they are interested, but not overly fussed. We can be one big ‘happy’ family.