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>Bit by bit it takes everything away

29 Apr

>Bit by bit metal illness has taken everything away, it takes my body, my friends, my family, my joy for life, everything. My body is truly fucked, inside and out, I am not sure what I have left any more. I look at what I have done to my body, I do not feel anything for my body any more, I used to feel great sadness for my body, now nothing.

Mental illness is cruel, so many people think I can just stop, decide to get better and it happens, what they don’t realise is there is only so long you can fight, there is only so long you can tackle the limbo between life and death. Then you become too tired, you give up and allow it to swallow you.

I have tried to kill myself so many times over the years, overdoses, cutting my wrists (not in a usual self harm way), lying in the middle of a busy road, walking down dark alley ways in the middle of the night hoping someone would murder me, starving. My biggest fear these days is that I will try again and fail again. That is one of the most horrible feelings, when you pluck up the courage, you do the deed and then you wake up in a hospital bed and someone tells you how lucky you are to be alive. All you can think is how much of a failure you are. I remember time after time being led in hospital, my Dad holding my hand, crying, begging me to never do it again, I remember my boyfriend at the time telling me how selfish I am and asking if I had did it to get at him. The truth is I am really selfish and I don’t think about  anyone, only myself, I can’t bare to think about my family, I definitely never used to think of my boyfriend at the time. The only thoughts were for myself and the need to escape.

I am rambling now, I am going to hop in the bath, I haven’t had a wash or brushed my teeth or hair since Wednesday, the joys of depression. To top it off Bob has just vomited all over the back of the sofa, my day gets better and better.

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2 Comments

Posted by on 29/04/2011 in Uncategorized

 

2 responses to “>Bit by bit it takes everything away

  1. Tim

    29/04/2011 at 3:19 pm

    >It won't take your family of friends away, Amy.You got people who CARE about you.NO you're not selfish. You are a kind delicate person who does NOT deserve to suffer like this. Amy you HAVE to get out of that flat!! just for 20 mins or so…a walk in the park anything……Gulp some of that fresh air…..go for a walk….trees river anything.Those bastards should NOT be stopping your treatment…Heres some helplines Amy 08456 525252..its called premier lifeline…..Tell em your worried and suicidal coz their stopping ur therapy. Samaritans no is 08457 909090…They may be able to pull strings for you. Get your dad to see his local MP. Trust me girl, MP's have got a whole loada power and could get you sectioned for the help you need.DONT GIVE UP………..PLEEEAAASE TRY……know its hard Amy but pleeeease hang in there girl…..think of your new flat :)…not long now 🙂

     
  2. Max

    30/04/2011 at 7:03 pm

    >“Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul, And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all;”Emily Dickinson LORD OF THE BROKEN DREAM

     

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