We shall start with yesterday, to begin with I am sorry for once again worrying lots of people. On Monday the CMHT were meant to have a meeting and get back to my Dad, but nope nothing, so when he rang them yesterday morning they PROMISED they were just about to have the meeting and would ring him straight after. As the day went on my Dad called over and over again and kept being told that the lady he needs to speak to will call him back. When it got to just gone 4pm, my Dad tried one final time only to be told that the lady he needs to speak to has gone home for the day.
Now I think even someone with a normal thought pattern and wasn’t already feeling extremely suicidal would be upset by this. But this is how Amy’s brain interpreted it
“Nobody wants to help me because I am a worthless piece of s***t, see they are just wanting you to kill yourself, they can see through into your sole and can see the evil growing inside you, you must cut that evil out”
So that is what I did, I attempted to cut the evil out. I have been self harming for coming up to 15 years, it has got worse as I have got older, but the last few months have been extreme. I was repulsed as they were trying to piece together my leg, but I am even more repulsed that I never managed to get all of the bad out of me, the only way for that to truly happen is by death.
Last night whilst at the hospital I saw a really lovely doctor who said she would try and chase things up for me and PROMISED she wouldn’t let this carry on. She was lovely and seemed genuine, but the problem is I have been promised so many times.
I slept a little bit last night thanks to the aid of zopiclone, diazepam and quetiapine. So hopefully my little bought of insomnia has been broken.
Today is going to be a hard day, I have my first appointment at the orthopaedic clinic to check the healing of my wrist and tendons. I would love it if they would say it was all magically fixed, that I could go home without this big hideous cast on and that that was the end of it. But I no that isn’t going to be the case. It is day 8 day since surgery, they will remove this cast, remove the stitches, clean it up and either put on another cast or make a plastic splint, which they heat up and mould to your hand so it fits perfectly.
None of that is what really bothers me, it is once again having everyone looking at it. I think it is to early to tell about any function I may regain, it is still at a very delicate stage. Apparently the most common stage for the repair to break is 8-11 days post opp as that is when the stitches on the tendons are starting to dissolve and the join in the tendon is having to take over.
So good bye to the first cast, I hope they say it is healing well.
So now we have to wait and see if we hear from the mental health team.