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As I am sat here now

24 Jul

As I am sat here now with my 15 year old brother taking his turn watching me I am willing him to go home, I want him gone as I cannot bare it any more. I need to cut, I need to cut deeper than ever before. The images in my mind are sick, I see myself chopping limbs off, stabbing a knife so deep into my stomach it comes out the other side. I see myself swallowing every pill I can find in the house, drinking litres and litres of vodka. I need him to go, but I no he won’t, my family no I need to be kept safe and I no this is going to carry on for a while. But I need to do these things, there is to much inside me building up.

AHHHHHHHH I just want to scream, I want to be left alone to allow myself to cause all the suffering that I deserve.

Earlier I tried to discreetly pull my cast off, why? I have no idea, it seemed like a way I could cause pain and suffering I guess.

I ache with the need to hurt myself.

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4 Comments

Posted by on 24/07/2011 in Uncategorized

 

4 responses to “As I am sat here now

  1. Vivizara

    24/07/2011 at 10:51 pm

    I want to say the right thing to help but tonight I’m not sure what that is. I recognise the craving to hurt yourself and the urge for the knife in the stomach is one I get too. So far I have avoided any real harm to myself (a phobia about blood may be helping with that somewhat :|) and I would dearly love you to stay safe again tonight. You are trying so hard, and I am willing you to be strong. Stay safe Amy xx

     
  2. michaelpaoli

    24/07/2011 at 11:02 pm

    You *don’t* need to do *those things* (SI or worse).

    You don’t deserve suffering.

    Sounds like you’re addicted to SI and going through acute withdrawal. Ride it out. It gets better.

     
  3. Brenda

    25/07/2011 at 1:14 am

    I`m just so very glad that Charlie was with you last night, Amy, so that you weren`t able to carry out those actions which you obsess about. I can only echo what lost of other folks say in that you most definitely DON`T deserve to cause yourself the pain that you so desire at times. What exactly have you done or currently do that would warrant such pain and suffering? Well, I have watched all your videos and have been reading your blog for some time now and all I see is a beautiful young woman with a huge heart who`s in extreme emotional pain and desperately needs to be loved and cared for. I certainly don`t see a monster, Amy. I`m hoping that, as I send this comment, you`re safely tucked up in bed and asleep with your arms around “Not So Stinky” teddy. Hope tomorrow will be good to you. Night night. xXBrendaXx

     
  4. N

    25/07/2011 at 1:44 am

    Sending you some calming thoughts Amy…

    I’m being a bit silly tonight too in my own ways – doing things that probably aren’t the most helpful, and contemplating others that’ll definitely keep me trapped in my rut. But it’s a need to do something… because…

    Things need to be done because of other things that I think are failures and failings, and all my fault. As you put it ‘it’s what I deserve’. It’s a way of putting things right in my own limited way. At least, as I said before, my silliness doesn’t cause me any harm – just keeps me trapped and feeling unhappy.

    I mentioned my friend a few times. A lot of her damaging behaviours were partly fuelled by a need for self punishment, so I do sort of understand. It was so sad though because she didn’t deserve any of it. She didn’t have a bad bone in her body – just a shining heart of gold. I see that in somebody else too 😉

    I think I said before that everything a person does – even the apparently unhelpful things – has a positive intention when they look hard enough. This is a bit hypothetical, but say a person felt they’d done something wrong and deserved some kind of punishment for it. That punishment could been seen in a positive way. Teaching them right from wrong. Showing that certain behaviours result in certain (unpleasant) consequences. A deterrent to dissuade them from doing it again, thus making them a better person. See… a positive intention. And it’s the way most of us learnt as a child, so it’s easy for us to continue that regime for ourselves in adulthood.

    But don’t you think a little understanding and compassion is called for? God… I’d hate to be tried and convicted in Judge Amy’s court!

    Stay safe Amy. Remember your Dad’s calming presence… And if that’s not quite enough, could you talk to ‘Jo’?

    Nigel

     

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