As most of you are aware I am on an overnight home from the psychiatric unit I have been in for the last 8 weeks. Since being home I have already self harmed deeply and required a trip to A&E, realising half way there that I was wearing my pyjamas.
I wanted to be ready to be trusted to stay by myself overnight, it is what ‘normal’ people do, it is what I used to do, but it is not working. I have taken my meds (including my PRN) in an attempt to keep me in bed, as right now all I can think about is going to the multi storey car park and jumping off the top. The urge is so intense it actually hurts. I cannot cope, I want to cut again, I want to burn, I want to damage myself beyond repair, I need to suffer, but mainly I need to die.
I tell everyone around me everything in ‘fine’, but in fact I feel as bad as ever. The trouble is what to do with me. The ED lady that came to asses me says my BPD symptoms need sorting first. I was already denied funding for the BPD unit. The psychiatric unit say they are not the place for me, today I got told that. So the only thing left is to go home and carry on as I was. I have said for a long time now that this is probably going to kill me, now I no it is, whether it is by accident or by suicide, I no I am going to die from this.
Whilst in the psychiatric hospital I have required one more tendon repair operation, this time to my right wrist, I have burnt the tops of both hands which are going to be permanently scarred, I have lost nearly half a stone in weight, I have tied numerous ligatures around my neck. Basically I am a mess. I do not no who to turn to any more, who to ask for help from, I am unfixable.
I actually give up, I am tired of fighting this losing battle. I keep saying to people I am exhausted, they think I mean physically, I am exhausted physically, but also mentally, which is worse. If I had the means to right now I would go to sleep and never wake up, that will have to wait until I am sure I can make that happen properly. If you saw me right now you would be horrified at the empty battered and bruised shell looking back at you.