As most of you are aware I am on an overnight home from the psychiatric unit I have been in for the last 8 weeks. Since being home I have already self harmed deeply and required a trip to A&E, realising half way there that I was wearing my pyjamas.
I wanted to be ready to be trusted to stay by myself overnight, it is what ‘normal’ people do, it is what I used to do, but it is not working. I have taken my meds (including my PRN) in an attempt to keep me in bed, as right now all I can think about is going to the multi storey car park and jumping off the top. The urge is so intense it actually hurts. I cannot cope, I want to cut again, I want to burn, I want to damage myself beyond repair, I need to suffer, but mainly I need to die.
I tell everyone around me everything in ‘fine’, but in fact I feel as bad as ever. The trouble is what to do with me. The ED lady that came to asses me says my BPD symptoms need sorting first. I was already denied funding for the BPD unit. The psychiatric unit say they are not the place for me, today I got told that. So the only thing left is to go home and carry on as I was. I have said for a long time now that this is probably going to kill me, now I no it is, whether it is by accident or by suicide, I no I am going to die from this.
Whilst in the psychiatric hospital I have required one more tendon repair operation, this time to my right wrist, I have burnt the tops of both hands which are going to be permanently scarred, I have lost nearly half a stone in weight, I have tied numerous ligatures around my neck. Basically I am a mess. I do not no who to turn to any more, who to ask for help from, I am unfixable.
I actually give up, I am tired of fighting this losing battle. I keep saying to people I am exhausted, they think I mean physically, I am exhausted physically, but also mentally, which is worse. If I had the means to right now I would go to sleep and never wake up, that will have to wait until I am sure I can make that happen properly. If you saw me right now you would be horrified at the empty battered and bruised shell looking back at you.
I am fighting a war,mine just happens to be with life 
michaelpaoli
24/09/2011 at 1:41 am
So … you could definitely still use a lot of *serious* help. Hospital is a pretty safe place. If you don’t feel safe out, call them – or call someone for help. If you don’t yet feel safe out – or out that long, then don’t be out, or out as long, and when you don’t feel safe or need that help – call them. They’re there to help. Heck, hospital even called to see how you were doing – they do care and are concerned. And you can wear PJs to the hospital 🙂 … certainly nice to wear something comfy, eh? Especially if you may be there a few days or more. Exhausted physically, mentally … giving up? … how about giving *in* to those that want to help you – certainly lots of well meaning and generally rather to quite qualified folks quite want to help you. Allow them to lead you to getting better. Hang in there. It *does* get better. So, … think of when you’re 85 and in excellent health, of the stories you’ll get to tell those teens and young 20-somethings when they start to complain of their personal problems. Heh, you’ll be like, “Well let me tell *you* – before I got myself all better many decades ago – and before this snazzy newfangled medical technology that fixed up most all that physical damage some bit after that, you think you went through a lot, well I …”
So, … try not to worry about it too much, and get/take/accept the help that’s available to you.
Hope you’re feeling much better soon. Take care, and remember, there are lots of folks that care about you and want to help you.
Shannon
24/09/2011 at 3:35 pm
Why are you on such a destruct mission? I think it’s become such a big thing now you feel you can’t change, it’s like your identity. But you can change. You should take a trip to a third world country, or something along those lines, and realise how lucky you are. I don’t think posting on this all the time helps though, it kind of makes self harm your main focus. You need to start doing different things, you’re in like a bubble at the moment and you’re not experiencing the wonders of life. I feel for you it’s really make or break. And i really hope it’s make. Try to look into the future, dream, hope & aspire to be someone. Don’t continue to let this define you. You could help people, i’m sure you have a lot to give.
I’m glad to hear you’re alive! I hope someones words get through to you.. Xxx
Shannon
24/09/2011 at 3:36 pm
Self destruct mission*
Lucy
25/09/2011 at 12:42 am
I’m so so sorry to hear all this Amy, it breaks my heart. I think michaelpaoli has said it all, I think you need to relinquish all control you have and give in, not up.
I deleted my blogger account because I thought it was holding me back in my recovery, i’m not sure if it made any difference but it felt like a good stepping stone.
After I overdosed and ended up back in a Psych hospital for about 1 month, I got discharged and am back at Rivendell (the hospital/school) I have been doing fantastic, I don’t know what’s changed but I am like a different person. It doesn’t make sense but i’m embracing it regardless 🙂
I just want you to know that there is hope, and I know how hard it is to see but if I can get better than i’m sure you can too 🙂 Feel free to email anytime you need now that my blogger account is gone, i’m always here to listen ! ❤ xxx
e-mail is: lucy_lou776@hotmail.com
Zuzka
26/09/2011 at 1:37 am
Hi Amy,
I’m really sorry that you haven’t been doing well at home. As Michael said, try to make use of the help available to you. I know it’s hard – when I feel self-destructive, I usually don’t call any of my friends who could offer me support.
I wish I could say something more helpful, but mainly I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and PLEASE do not give up. You are a very kind and caring person (as far as I can tell from your youtube and blog) and you deserve to be happy.
Hope that this week will be good for you. (((Hugs)))
michaelpaoli
26/09/2011 at 6:58 pm
… and congratulations on being discharged!
Now, when you need help, or feel problematic urges to the point where they are or are threatening to be a significant problem (if not sooner) – CALL SOMEONE! – reach out, call, or whatever, to get hold of someone to get the support and help you need, and to keep yourself safe, and safe from harm – and that definitely includes safe from self-harm. Practice, too – practice calling ’em so you’re comfortable calling even when there isn’t any immediate or pressing problem. And practice being very direct and forthright about how you’ve been, are, how things are going, how you’re doing and not doing, urges, what threatens/scares you, etc. Hiding problems doesn’t make ’em go away.
So, … again, congratulations on being discharged, … now, do take care of yourself and keep yourself safe, and keep getting better. Bob and Betty would much like that too.