I thought I was helping

11 Oct

I always thought I was helping to warn people to not go down my path when I did my YouTube videos and blog, that is all I have ever wanted to do, but I am starting to question that I am encouraging people. I had no one to guide me, to warn me of my future, maybe if I had of done my life would be different now, so I hoped by sharing where I am and how out of control and scary my life actually is this far down the line it would encourage people to seek help, engage in that help and hopefully turn there lives around. But am I doing the opposite? Am I giving people ideas?

If I could go back to being 14 would I have listened if someone told me not to make that first cut or would I have done it any ways? If someone had have told be the effects years of anorexia would have permanently on my body, would I have listened?

A lovely friend on twitter said there is a fine line, I do not want to cross that line, but then what is the point if you are not going to show the true extent of what my life has become. Do you no what my goal is for tomorrow, it is to walk to the post box down the road to post a card to a friend, I am 27 bloody years old and that is my goal for the day, how sad is that. I cannot turn back the years I have lost and the damage I have done, but if I help just one person to get help, to not waste their life then surely it is worth it?


Posted by on 11/10/2011 in Uncategorized


5 responses to “I thought I was helping

  1. Fiona

    11/10/2011 at 12:49 am

    I think you are definitely helping, by showing what can happen when you start and what things are really like. xxx

  2. michaelpaoli

    11/10/2011 at 3:35 am

    I wouldn’t worry *too* much about what folks may do with you sharing information about yourself and your experiences, etc.. I tend to generally think, that at least for the most part, on balance, it’s a good thing.

    There is a whole lot of information out there, … especially with The Internet, etc. Folks – at least if they bother, try, or want to look, etc., *will* find information … and also generally quite a diversity in opinions, biases, perspectives, advocacies, etc. For the most part, folks will make up their own minds, do – or not do – more-or-less whatever they’d do – or not do – anyway. Information – especially good, accurate, direct, truthful information, generally improves that … at least a bit, … but for the most part – at least from any one individual person – especially someone not particularly known by and trusted by someone else – it usually doesn’t have all that much influence one way or the other, … certainly at least by itself, anyway.

    So, all-in-all, probably a good thing, or at least slightly good thing. And all those little bits of information and data points do add up, so it does help and contribute, and add to something larger.

    I think what probably more significantly helps – and particularly in your case/situation … first of all, generally, being quite “out there” with the mental health issues/struggles, and most or all the stuff related to that. I think that really helps break down the stigma and fear … both for those suffering with mental health problem(s) – in not feeling so ‘alone’ or like some oddball or freak to be shunned , but also for everyone else in general, to better understand and be that much less ignorant, more understanding of, and hopefully at least a wee bit more compassionate, regarding mental illnesses and how folks often suffer with such.

    And yes, here’s to you, for having the strength and bravery to be quite upfront with your mental illness, sufferings, and a whole lot of what you go through around and related to that.

    I think it’s also good too, that in many ways it also helps you. That alone may be quite more than enough reason and justification itself.

    Nobody forces anybody else to look at or read any of this. They do so of their own choosing, so they generally bear all of the responsibility of how they act upon and react to such information (with some bits of exceptions, e.g., if it’s a 6 year old kid, then the parent(s)/guardian(s) or the like would bear most of that responsibility).

  3. Dawny

    11/10/2011 at 9:07 am

    Hi Amy

    You ARE helping others. Your bravery in revealing your thoughts and feelings is humbling.
    My only concern is that vulnerable and potential SH’s probably follow you, and the harrowing descriptive methods you have used whilst acting on your obsessions may feed others imagination.

    I never for a moment meant that you shouldn’t share your thoughts and feelings, and I truly apologise if this is how it came across.

    You are so right in saying if you can help even one person it is worth it.



    • tinyratty

      11/10/2011 at 12:25 pm

      No you don’t need to say sorry, I just started to worry and I guess the worry grew, xxx

  4. Jen O.

    11/10/2011 at 10:25 am

    Dear Amy,

    I’ve been reading your blog for some time, and been watching your videos. What I’ve seen is a very brave person who is exhausted and worn by their mental health problems, but who has still the courage to fight and to show people the reality of it. I think I there’s anything that clearly shows, it’s that you do not in any ways glamorize eating disorders, self-harm or bpd. I think you show people how hard life is and how having to struggle with this on a daily basis makes one suffer. i agree with what the previous psoters said.

    It’s pretty clear from your accounts that carrying out self destructive behaviour makes you feel even worse afterwards and that you only do it because it’s a coping mechanism that has been around for such a long time in your life that it is very hard to let go and learn to do things in a different way. People might relate to that, but if anything, it might show people who struggle that they are not alone and that thi is how hard it can get. I think it can also help people if they see that they are not the only ones who might be having setbacks and that they are no reason to give up. I am sure that you reach people and make them think.

    “I cannot turn back the years I have lost and the damage I have done” I used to struggle with this one too a lot and still do at times. (I didn’t self-harm, my coping mechanism was alcohol.Throw in PTSD from childhood abuse and bpd and there we go. I’m in recovery for two years. II still carry some darkness with me, it just doesn’t harm me anymore like it did.) I’ve had the same feelings, having lost so many years in comparison to other people my age who started their careers during this time and began to build a familiy etc. etc.. The only thing that helps is to accept that it is simply not possible to make things like they were before again. It will never be, and as long as we try to get back the life we had before, it will not work out. The past cannot be erased and it’s not possible to pretend that there is no damage.It’s true and the sooner we can come to terms with that fact and accept it, the sooner we can make progress. Because this doesn’t mean that it is impossible to have a good life in the future and that there is no hope for happiness. we can work with this. I just don’t believe that there is no way to get better even if there is a lot of damage. I was just a bit older that you when I really started to recover and adress my issues and got better. Don’t think that because you are 27 your whole life is wasted. It’s not true. I used to think like that. Up until now, yes, large parts of your life have been hard and it’s difficult to imagine that it could be different one day. You are doing waht you can under the cirumstances you are in.It really can get better.

    If you cut through a rope, it’s broken. Even if you tie it together again, it’s still a broken rope. But if you tie it together well, it will nevertheless be as strong as one that hasn’t been cut. It#s still a rope, and can still hold things togehter. I know you have been through so much in the past few months Amy, and I really really wish you well. you are still a valuable person, no matter what happened and how long it has been going on. there is still strenght and the possibility for self-love in you. Don’t give up. I send you a lot of positive thoughts and empathy.


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