Down I Go

25 Oct

I am almost at the bottom of the spiral and I am scared. I have decided I want to die rather than go through the cycle again. My mind is racing about the multi storey car park, is seems like a good option, a no way out option. When I was in the PICU there was a lady who had jumped off a building and survived, she had half her face smashed in and had lost the eye on that side, she had messed up both her legs, she was a mess, that scares me, but I no I it is my only option. I do not want to continue this cycle, this endless replay.

I ended up in A&E again this evening, but this time I was 100% honest about how I feel, my thoughts, how scared I am. She has given me a PRN for tonight and said I need to see my GP first thing tomorrow. Trouble is I no what she will say, that she can’t do much without the instruction of the Mental Health Team, but they just seem to be dragging their heals and to be honest I have lost faith in them, a few weeks ago my Dad said to the head of the Home Treatment Team that soon he is going to be in a coroners court explaining what went wrong, yet still 3 weeks later I have no care plan, no support. I am exhausted of fighting the losing battle. It is obvious I am on my own with this and so I have to end the cycle the only way I can.

I want out of this never ending down ward spiral.


Posted by on 25/10/2011 in Uncategorized


4 responses to “Down I Go

  1. BPD Last House (@BPDlasthouse)

    25/10/2011 at 9:32 pm

    I’ve reposted this on my Twitter account and Facebook page for my friends and followers to read. I promise you that people will relate; you’re not alone in this, at least in the fellowship you can find on line. I’m in the same downward spiral and really feel for you. I hope that something shifts really soon. Unlike you I have a good care team around me, and I don’t know how it must feel to be completely alone with your mental health problems. All I can say is I really hope you don’t do anything to yourself, that you give yourself a chance. I need to be saying this to myself too. But for tonight, I am really feeling YOUR pain. Please, PLEASE hold on in there. Be well.

  2. jermec

    25/10/2011 at 9:53 pm


  3. chaptersofarcadia

    26/10/2011 at 8:54 pm

    Please be careful Amy! I don’t want you to hurt yourself x

  4. Mel

    26/10/2011 at 9:22 pm

    Please be careful hun, I’m so worried about you. Phone me anytime if you need to. You’re not alone, I promise xxx


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: