I am almost at the bottom of the spiral and I am scared. I have decided I want to die rather than go through the cycle again. My mind is racing about the multi storey car park, is seems like a good option, a no way out option. When I was in the PICU there was a lady who had jumped off a building and survived, she had half her face smashed in and had lost the eye on that side, she had messed up both her legs, she was a mess, that scares me, but I no I it is my only option. I do not want to continue this cycle, this endless replay.
I ended up in A&E again this evening, but this time I was 100% honest about how I feel, my thoughts, how scared I am. She has given me a PRN for tonight and said I need to see my GP first thing tomorrow. Trouble is I no what she will say, that she can’t do much without the instruction of the Mental Health Team, but they just seem to be dragging their heals and to be honest I have lost faith in them, a few weeks ago my Dad said to the head of the Home Treatment Team that soon he is going to be in a coroners court explaining what went wrong, yet still 3 weeks later I have no care plan, no support. I am exhausted of fighting the losing battle. It is obvious I am on my own with this and so I have to end the cycle the only way I can.
I want out of this never ending down ward spiral.