Last night

01 Nov

Last night was a night from hell. Do not read and then write horrible comments, you do not need to read my blog, you chose to.

Last night I became fixated on the idea that I needed to cut open my stomach, I attempted it a few days before hand, caused a nasty wound that required stitches, but was nothing compared to last nights. I cut right though the fat layer to the muscle layer. Now I am a regular visitor to my local small hospital, the big hospital in the city, well known to the ambulance service and also the police. I called for an ambulance and asked if they could send one of the paramedics that could stitch as I really did not want another trip to hospital, I just wanted it stitched at home, job done.

Any ways, suddenly 4 police officers turn up along with an ambulance crew, they took one look at the wound and said I HAD to go to the hospital. I refused and begged them to get the paramedic that could stitch, but they said not even he would even be able to stitch it as it needed internal stitches as well as external stitches. I became very distressed and went into panic mode. The police wanted to take my blade, I wouldn’t tell them where it was so they hand cuffed me, I felt completely over whelmed, I had 2 paramedics and 4 police officers what felt like screaming at me (although they weren’t). In the end I told them where it was, they took me down to the ambulance, one of the police officers said “if we take the cuffs off will you behave” I said yes, but of course in my head all I am thinking is run, you need to get out of here, you need to get away from these people. So I tried to run, very unsuccessfully. So once again I am cuffed, have a police officer in the ambulance with me and get driven the 35 min journey to the city hospital. The whole way there being asked stupid questions.

Once at hospital I was again given the option of as I had behaved in the ambulance I could have the cuffs off if I continued to behave. Once I had been handed over by the paramedics the police also left on the agreement I would stay in my cubicle. From my cubicle all I could see was the way out sign, it was shouting at me, it felt like an instruction, so after staring at it for 20 mins I walked out. Now the only way possible for me to get home is a taxi, but I had no wallet on me. So a very kind taxi driver drove me home to get my wallet, then to the cash point to get the money and then back home. £43 it cost me as it was past 12pm. Any ways, I would have payed a zillion pounds just to get home. I closed the wound very basically with some sterri strips, took my night time meds, got into my PJ’s and went to bed. Next thing I no my door is buzzing over and over again, you have to be buzzed into my block of flats, I ignored it, it was easy to ignore after the 7.5 of zopiclone, the night time dose of quetiapine and the propanalol. Then the next thing they are at my actual front door, someone else has buzzed them in. They shout through that I have 10 seconds to open the door otherwise they will knock it is as they have the ram thing with them to do it. All I am thinking is shit shit shit.

So I open the door, police come in, give me a huge telling off, saying I had been registered as a level 1 missing person which meant even the police inspector is involved. I tried to tell them I will go and get it sorted in the morning and there is no point at half 2, that a few hours wont hurt, but they were refusing to listen to anything I was saying. I new they couldn’t section 136 me as I was not in a public place, but I heard one off the police officers talking on her radio asking what they can bring me in under, they were about to bring me in under the fact that I didn’t have the mental capacity to make rational decisions.

So once again I am back in the ambulance, off to hospital, police escort. After about 20 mins at the hospital the police left and hospital security took over. I got my stitches, they wanted me to have a mental health assessment, but I have had about 500 million of those and could answer the questions in my sleep, so made a promise with the doctor that I would phone my CPN as soon as they opened at 9am. Then I had to get home, no way another taxi, so had to catch a bus from the hospital to the train station, then a train back to my town, then walk home. I got home just before 9 am. Now I kept my promise and phoned my CPN, then took my morning meds and have slept most of the day away.

I feel extremely guilty for wasting so much of the police and ambulance peoples time. They had so many police officers out looking for me. But I panicked and the only thing I could think was run, run as fast as you can away from the situation.

My mental state is deteriorating rapidly, my self harm is horrendous, I am losing the ability to rationalise things, I had a hole in my stomach where you could see the muscle and I was just so casual and was saying I will sort it in the morning, like it was a scratch. The CMHT had a meeting this afternoon in which I was to be discussed, they are coming to see me at 11:30am tomorrow. I just don’t no what to do any more, I am truly lost.


Posted by on 01/11/2011 in Uncategorized


6 responses to “Last night

  1. Helen

    01/11/2011 at 10:15 pm

    Have been reading your blog for a while now and am getting more worried for you. I’m not here to judge or comment I just want you to know that I hope you eventually get your life back on track. Take care and there are people who care about you Amy xx

  2. gaynor

    01/11/2011 at 10:35 pm

    i wish i had something helpful to say, i wish i could help, dont beat yourself up about wasting police/ambulance time, yes its unfortunate but do you know how much time is wasted by people drunk, fighting ect, you needed there help, you just wasn’t mentally fit to see that at the time. The impressive bit is you rang your CPN has promised, you have been asking for help for weeks, unfortunately self harm does not seem to help you in anyway, its an obsession that brings you no relief, when i self harm it does help me, not in the long term but at that time it does usually.
    I would ask for a second opinion diagnosis, Borderline PD requires several criteria from different clusters of the IV-10, from your blogs and tweets (obviously not your full history) maybe it needs re-looking at, or at least adding too, they are not treating your symptoms, infact i dont think they are doing very much for you, theres no good having meetings and then them not acting, did you ever get your care plan. Do they really think you cause so much damage to yourself because you want to, do they think you ran because you wanted too, Do you not see a clinical psychologist, is there any referal being made for one. sorry a lot of questions, i just feel angry on your behalf, too much talking and no action, not much support. I really wish i could do something, all i can do is be around on-line. You may not think it but you have a lot of strength its just not being channeled and is being zapped by lack of the right help. sorry my comment is nearly longer than your blog, i never know when to shut up. x

  3. Brenda

    02/11/2011 at 12:35 am

    Oh, Amy, I so wish that I could say or do something that would help but sadly I don`t think I can. I think of you often and it makes me really sad to hear of some of the things that you do to yourself. You`re so precious to your family and friends and you just DON`T deserve to be living like this. I sincerely hope that you get the intensive treatment you NEED and that it comes your way sooner rather than later. Night, night for now. xXBrendaXx

  4. Nigel

    02/11/2011 at 3:59 am

    Hi Amy,

    I’m sorry that things are still really tough at the moment. I wish I could say something clever that would make a difference, but sadly I’m not that clever…

    I’ve just read those links you posted on Twitter re your mother. I’m really sorry…

    I think they contain a lot of answers though, and I’m certain that a good therapist could help Big Amy come to terms with the hurt that Little Amy felt, and I think, is still feeling to this day. Emotions often stem from the times they were first experienced, and they evoke those same feelings now that they did back then.

    I know I’m always mentioning my friend – sorry – but much of what you said was so similar. Totally different circumstances, but still similar. And it all stemmed from a non-existent relationship with her mother too. Being deprived of that parental love at an early age does seem to have long lasting consequences.

    I know in the cold light of day it might seem crazy to have run last night, but you said you were ‘panicking’. Fight or flee – they’re the two instinctive survival responses to panic, and fighting wasn’t really an option. It does make sense.

    Take care Amy


    • Tim

      03/11/2011 at 11:44 am

      Wise words there Nigel

      Fair play to you mate 🙂

  5. Tim

    03/11/2011 at 11:40 am

    Don’t know whose been giving you horrible comments but what sort of sicko would do that?????. It must be clear to even the thickest of people that you are struggling terribly at the minute. If people have have a problem wiv your blogg they should just f****k off and upset someone else more capable of defending themselves……….Amy I STRONGLY absolutely STRONGLY recommend you consider hypnotherapy. I’m qualified myself but not to the extent that you need. PLEASE talk it over with your dad….Its NOT expensive and I’ve yet to know of a hypnotherapist who has not solved a problem from a deep deep phobia of spiders to obsessions ect. There are bound to be some experienced ones near you and its NON obligatry ie first session is just a chat giving you the option of choosing who you feel comfortable with. Its MUCH MUCH more effective than any councilling and can trace right back to the seeds of your childhood where your problems have grown from. Your running out of options now girl so PLEEEAASE speak to your dad and ask him to consider taking you……….Hypnotherapists rely heavily on reputation. If they didn’t feel confident in fixing your problem they would TELL you not just take your money.Also they would be happy to talk to yourself (if you were up to it) or your dad before a face to face chat. Please give it some thought Amy ok 🙂 It IS a solution that should be considered


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