Weak weak person

18 Dec

One thing I really do not talk about on my blog or YouTube account is alcohol, that is because I don’t drink, I had not had a drink since 21st June 2008, I had a bad alcohol problem and would sit and drink at least a litre of vodka a day on my own in my flat. I couldn’t go a day without it, the CMHT at the time said they could no longer see me as my drinking was out of hand, they kept saying I had to stop, but i couldn’t. The nail in the coffin was when I ruined my sisters 21st birthday party because of alcohol. I have not drank a drop since then, not a drop.

But the last few days I have been craving alcohol more than you could imagine, it has been on my mind constantly, just a little drink, go on, a small one won’t hurt, today I gave in, I bought a bottle of vodka, I am about half way through. I am so scared now that I won’t be able to stop, the only thing that kept me from drinking was that I did not want to break the promise I made to my family that I wouldn’t drink any more. I have broke that promise and I am doing the one thing I thought I really really thought I would never do again.

Alcohol is not good for me. I am weak.

I have been so proud to say up till now that I haven’t drank for 4 and a half years, now I can no longer say that, I have ruined it and I am scared, scared that I wont be able to stop again


Posted by on 18/12/2012 in Uncategorized


12 responses to “Weak weak person

  1. gaynor

    18/12/2012 at 6:43 pm

    you could of stopped yourself, rung either your family or crisis contact, I no longer have the time of day for you, i will give it a week before you stab yourself again, but i will neither know or care because i will no longer following your blog, you are not weak, you are very manipulative selfish attention seeking person with no thought for anyone but yourself, you put a lot of effort and strength into being like this, go get your vodka at tesco it is £14 for litre. dont bother blocking me, i will remove myself

    • richquick (@richquick)

      18/12/2012 at 6:57 pm

      That’s a really helpful comment – and just what someone who’s going through problems needs to hear. Have you thought about getting into counselling or working for the Samaritans?

      Amy – just delete that comment. It’s not worth worrying about.

    • Bill

      18/12/2012 at 7:00 pm

      Please disregard the evil, hateful reply from gaynor.

      You can right now, though, call for help. You are human and humans make mistakes. We all do. Mistakes can be corrected and overcome. Please ask for help in getting past this mistake.

  2. Yvonne Madden

    18/12/2012 at 7:36 pm


    please please please whatever you do DONT take that attitude and self-sabbotage the still have the control and 4 and a half years of strength behind you Amy!!Please LISTEN,don’t dismiss this comment xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  3. Yvonne Madden

    18/12/2012 at 7:41 pm

    ps.i agree full-heartedly with Bill. AMy use this slip-up as a challenge that you can overcome!You have worked so hard and leanred so much – use the knowledge I know you have!

    I know with BPD the tendency is to think to the extreme and it sounds like you’re adamant that you’ve ‘failed’,when in fact you haven’t.I know you know that.

    The ball is your court,YOU’RE in control here.

  4. Brenda

    18/12/2012 at 7:56 pm

    Jeez, Amy, Aren`t you glad that you only knew Gaynor “virtually”? She`s as much use to you as an ashtray on a motorbike!!! I`m so glad that she wants nothing to do with you, she`s done you a massive favour. I wouldn`t say for asecond that you are weak, I`d say that you`re absolutely desperate. I really, really feel for you coz I have personal experience of the damage that addiction can do for a person.How you gonna stop this situ from snowballing? You have to use the techniques that you`ve been taught during your hosp stay and any other way that you can to stop this really taking hold. You know it`s a very dangerous thing for you to do and I`d say every single time you pick up that glass, challenge yourself, I mean REALLY challenge yourself that you DON`T need that drink. Please, take care. Have sent you a big bosie with this message! xXBrendaXx

  5. Nigel

    18/12/2012 at 8:14 pm

    Hi Amy,

    Nothing is ruined, so please DON’T ever think that, okay. Thoughts like that only lead to thoughts like, “What’s the point of trying any more,” and we’re NOT going there, are we. *hugs*

    Look at it another way – one day out of around 1600. That’s pretty impressive, don’t you think?

    An occasional drink is fine. It’s normal. However, having once had a problem with it, it’s very important to keep it in check now. Who could you talk to about this? Your Dad, perhaps. There’s nothing at all to be ashamed of at the moment, and he could perhaps help you prevent things spiralling. Maybe he could look after the rest of the bottle. Perhaps let him have your money/cards for a while. Maybe spend a little more time with him instead of being isolated with your thoughts at the moment. This is a huge culture shock after spending so much time in hospital, with other people constantly around, and I’m sure a little more company would make a real difference.

    As for certain other comments… sod ‘em!

    Take care,

    ps… belated Welcome Home! 🙂

  6. poetryescape

    18/12/2012 at 9:05 pm

    That was such a foul, horrible comment to make. My first thought was to say one bad day doesn’t have to be the start of something worse. When I came home from inpatient DBT I really struggled to readjust to real life. The New Dawn ward I stayed on was very much a community, and it was hard to be alone even though that was what I had craved more than anything when I was an in patient. I don’t personally believe that DBT is the magic answer it is purported to be, but you have learnt skills during your time there and even if one of those helps a little than it has not been all for nothing. Please don’t give up.

  7. Lottie

    18/12/2012 at 9:16 pm

    Amy, Ignore that Gaynor woman’s comments…wouldn’t wipe my arse on em to be honest 😉 Im so proud of how far you have come, I wish i had you strength and determination….yep you have slipped up, it’s the once….try not to be hard on yourself, you are allowed to fall over ever now nad again. I know myself what it’s like to do 11 months IP and readjusting to the outside world is tougher than we ever ever imagine. Im proud of you and I love very very much….never forget that x x x x

  8. emmie

    18/12/2012 at 10:32 pm

    I’ve never commented on here before but havng spent 4 years in inpatient ED treatnent myself when I was younger my heart goes out to you with what you are going through just now. The first few months after discharge can be the hardest time and I know it can be so easy to replace one self destructive behaviour with another at that vulnerable time. Try not t think of it as a ‘failure’ if you can, that may just make you feel worse and more likely to do it again. It’s only one and a half hours until a new day, although it’s a blip it’s a reflection of how hard things are for you just now. Try to use the supports that are useful for you if you can. It’s incredibly hard, unimaginably so, but you can do it, you’ve been through so much already, now isn’t the time for giving up, even though it might feel like it. x

  9. MrsP

    19/12/2012 at 6:45 am

    Honey, don’t judge yourself so harshly, you are struggling to cope with such a big change & have resorted to an old coping mechanism when things got too much. You are the harshest judge of yourself. Reach out to your Dad & those who are there to support you. This day does not have to be the beginning of a slippery slope. Just accept it has happened & move on lovely (hark at me going all wise mind!). I know this is much easier said than done. Have you a plan for when things get too much? The distractions, phoning a friend, emailing someone, making something etc? Could you try one of these when you are craving? Take care. Much love.
    Mrs P xx

  10. Mrs TeePot (@TeePotTweets)

    23/12/2012 at 11:28 am

    You’re not weak, it is HARD to stop, and if you did it before you can do it again. Have faith in yourself, hang in there, fight back *hugs*


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