Monthly Archives: November 2013

TW My leg is a mess and it is all my fault

My leg is a mess,for those of you that don’t know,I burned it again,the burn is huge and takes up the vast majority of my left thigh. It happened on Thursday evening,I got referred to the burns clinic for the following day,they examined it and said the usual,that some areas were deeper than others and they will treat is with silver and wait 2 weeks to see what areas live and what dies. Then they will decide if any needs grafting.

I have had previous skin grafts,all self inflicted. This one is bad,it is leaking so much that my trousers are soaking wet,when I stood up this morning it ran down my leg,the dressing on it is really thick and was only changed yesterday. I so wish I could take it back,undo the damage.

It hurts so much and I know I deserve it,but that doesn’t make it any easier. I have a temperature,feel like shit and probably have an infection and am dehydrated from all the fluid I am losing.But is is my fault right?I deserve it?


Posted by on 26/11/2013 in Uncategorized


I deserve the pain

My leg is killing me,just so painful,but I feel deserving of the pain,I like the pain,I need the pain. It makes me feel like a real person.I don’t enjoy the pain,far from it,I hate it,but it has come to be part of my identity,part of what makes me who I am,I need the pain.That is all.

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Posted by on 24/11/2013 in Uncategorized


TW-fuck up

I have once again fucked up,my CPN noticed the other day my mood was low and my art therapist has been off for 2 weeks,so things have been higgidly piggidly. Self harm thoughts were bad for days,raging away,obsessing over them,how I could hurt myself,what it would be like. Yesterday it was unbearable and I must have dissociated again as I do not remember self harming,but I badly burnt the top of my left leg.

After about an hour the blister was getting rather huge,so I new I needed to go to hospital,so I found my Dad and we went to the hospital.

Had the usual questions,why did you do it?are you getting any support?etc etc I told them I was fine and didn’t need anyone. They phoned Frenchay burns ward to find out what they should do,as that is the closest burns unit we have,which is about an hours drive away. They advised they de-roofed the blister and that they would see me at the burns clinic today at 1pm.

So they did that and dressed it and I was to go today to the burns clinic. Well I went,it had completely seeped through the rather large bandage they had put on the night before. The nurse at the burns clinic came,took off the dressing and then the doctor came in,he had a look and a prod and decided some areas were deeper than others and that as standard he wants to leave it 2 weeks to see what lives and what dies and if any of it needs grafting.

I feel so disappointed in myself,I hate that I have once again let everyone down,I am weak and pathetic.I hate it and I hate that I am once again back to hobbling around my flat in pain and have to wait 2 weeks to find out if it needs grafting again. So for now I have silver dressing on it to keep the bugs away,dressing change every 3 days.

As for food I ate a McDonalds today,so my diet isn’t exactly going to plan,so I basically feel shit all over.

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Posted by on 22/11/2013 in Uncategorized


wetting the bed

I have had a problem ever since I had my supra pubic catheter removed,I keep wetting myself and the bed,it is humiliating being a 29 year old woman and having to wear tena pants to bed,

The supra pubic catheter for those who don’t know is a catheter that goes directly into your bladder through a whole made in your stomach. I had it put in as an emergency and it was all really traumatic,I wrote about it in a previous blog entry.

But I had it in for about 8 months and since having it removed it has been a night mare, wetting myself day and night. I have followed advice from the specialists about not drinking caffeine (so know pepsi max cherry for me 😦 ) etc. The specialist recommended some meds,but is wary about me taking it as I have a history of going into retention,hence needing a catheter in the first place.

I am going to go to the doctors and ask whether he thinks I should take these meds or not. decisions decisions.

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Posted by on 13/11/2013 in Uncategorized


Binge and then binge again

I have got into the worst habit of binging that I have been in since a I was in hosp in London and allowed on leave.

Tonight I ate a small dominos pizza,garlic bread,wedges,4 cookies,2 yoghurt’s a bread roll and a shakeaway.

I had got the binging under control,well I thought any ways. My weight was going down,which is a good as I had made it into the over weight category,I got down to the middle of the ‘normal’ category,now I am piling it all back on.

I am still anorexic at heart,but someone needs to tell my brain that, I just can’t stop binging. To go from being so anorexic for such a huge part of my life to now losing control so badly it is killing me. I just want to curl up and cry.

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Posted by on 12/11/2013 in Uncategorized


Depression and personal hygiene

personal hygiene has really gone slack for me,it always does when I am depressed,hardly brushing teeth,washing hair once a week,not taking a bath for days. I just give up on being clean,I am trying to brush my teeth more and take a bath more,but I lack the motivation it feels to draining,using energy I do not have.

I know I am not alone with this,personal hygiene seems to be the first thing to go when depressed,I mean why waste your energy when you don’t need to,but it makes you feel more disgusted in yourself and does little for your self esteem,which in turn feeds the depression.

It is a vicious cycle that is hard to get out of,many struggle with it,you are not alone.


Posted by on 10/11/2013 in Uncategorized