I have once again fucked up,my CPN noticed the other day my mood was low and my art therapist has been off for 2 weeks,so things have been higgidly piggidly. Self harm thoughts were bad for days,raging away,obsessing over them,how I could hurt myself,what it would be like. Yesterday it was unbearable and I must have dissociated again as I do not remember self harming,but I badly burnt the top of my left leg.
After about an hour the blister was getting rather huge,so I new I needed to go to hospital,so I found my Dad and we went to the hospital.
Had the usual questions,why did you do it?are you getting any support?etc etc I told them I was fine and didn’t need anyone. They phoned Frenchay burns ward to find out what they should do,as that is the closest burns unit we have,which is about an hours drive away. They advised they de-roofed the blister and that they would see me at the burns clinic today at 1pm.
So they did that and dressed it and I was to go today to the burns clinic. Well I went,it had completely seeped through the rather large bandage they had put on the night before. The nurse at the burns clinic came,took off the dressing and then the doctor came in,he had a look and a prod and decided some areas were deeper than others and that as standard he wants to leave it 2 weeks to see what lives and what dies and if any of it needs grafting.
I feel so disappointed in myself,I hate that I have once again let everyone down,I am weak and pathetic.I hate it and I hate that I am once again back to hobbling around my flat in pain and have to wait 2 weeks to find out if it needs grafting again. So for now I have silver dressing on it to keep the bugs away,dressing change every 3 days.
As for food I ate a McDonalds today,so my diet isn’t exactly going to plan,so I basically feel shit all over.