Category Archives: Uncategorized

leg is healing slowly but surely and piercing disaster

I had another appointment at the burns clinic again yesterday morning,it is still infected,so they have taken another swab to find an anti biotic it isn’t resistant to. But on the whole it is healing slowly,still no baths or showers allowed,I must stink!

I got another piercing yesterday,but unfortunately it fell out in my sleep,I found the bar in my mouth,but the ball was gone and there was no way the bar would go back in,so I am gutted,I will go back on Mon and get it done again,well I think I will go for something slightly different this time,a snake bite,I quite like the idea of that!

Bob has started peeing on puppy training pads in a litter tray,this is such an achievement as he has taken rather fondly to peeing up against my front door,.It has got to the point where you can smell my flat from the stair well and my dad says my clothes were starting to smell of pee.He was starting to talk about me giving Bob away,so I am so glad he has started to pee in a litter tray even if it is rather unusual way!

The shit pills,well that isn’t going very well,I am well and truly caught back up in the cycle of them,I take them purely for the pain they cause me,today I forgot to buy some more and so I couldn’t have my usual amount,I actually cried because of it,stupid I know,but I need the pain,I want the pain.

Christmas was a ok experience this year,I didn’t binge and purge,I ate about 2 thirds of my Christmas dinner. I got a lovely fleecy blanket,a new journal and some elephant earings.I was really lucky. I hope you guys all had as good as Christmas as possible.

I am looking forward to the new year this year as my old room mate from the EDU is coming to stay,it is the first new year I haven’t spent alone in years.hope you all have a good one.

Speak soon


Posted by on 29/12/2013 in Uncategorized


Laxatives,why do we do it?

A large percentage of us abuse laxatives,why?

1-they do help you loose water weight,not proper weight
2-they cause great pain,which can be addictive,as any form of self harm can be
3-because it is doing something you shouldn’t be doing,it has that naughty edge to it
4-punishing yourself for being who you are and what you are

Are they a good way to lose weight?no,because it is only water weight,well that is what the professionals say,but a lot of us abusers do not agree with this,we see the number go down on the scales and celebrate.

I dunno,I am just rambling now,confused I guess 😦

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Posted by on 20/12/2013 in Uncategorized


piercings as a form of self harm?

I have always liked getting piercings and tattoos,I have many and I love them. But sometimes I wonder if I use them as a form of self harm,I have had my tongue pierced 5 times for example. I enjoy the adrenaline rush from getting pierced or tattooed. I am starting to wonder if I use it as a form of self harm. I need to calm it down though as as one of my friends said,I am going to have no skin left without a hole in soon.

Does any one else have similar experiences? I would be interested to know.

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Posted by on 13/12/2013 in Uncategorized


TW My leg is a mess and it is all my fault

My leg is a mess,for those of you that don’t know,I burned it again,the burn is huge and takes up the vast majority of my left thigh. It happened on Thursday evening,I got referred to the burns clinic for the following day,they examined it and said the usual,that some areas were deeper than others and they will treat is with silver and wait 2 weeks to see what areas live and what dies. Then they will decide if any needs grafting.

I have had previous skin grafts,all self inflicted. This one is bad,it is leaking so much that my trousers are soaking wet,when I stood up this morning it ran down my leg,the dressing on it is really thick and was only changed yesterday. I so wish I could take it back,undo the damage.

It hurts so much and I know I deserve it,but that doesn’t make it any easier. I have a temperature,feel like shit and probably have an infection and am dehydrated from all the fluid I am losing.But is is my fault right?I deserve it?


Posted by on 26/11/2013 in Uncategorized


I deserve the pain

My leg is killing me,just so painful,but I feel deserving of the pain,I like the pain,I need the pain. It makes me feel like a real person.I don’t enjoy the pain,far from it,I hate it,but it has come to be part of my identity,part of what makes me who I am,I need the pain.That is all.

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Posted by on 24/11/2013 in Uncategorized


TW-fuck up

I have once again fucked up,my CPN noticed the other day my mood was low and my art therapist has been off for 2 weeks,so things have been higgidly piggidly. Self harm thoughts were bad for days,raging away,obsessing over them,how I could hurt myself,what it would be like. Yesterday it was unbearable and I must have dissociated again as I do not remember self harming,but I badly burnt the top of my left leg.

After about an hour the blister was getting rather huge,so I new I needed to go to hospital,so I found my Dad and we went to the hospital.

Had the usual questions,why did you do it?are you getting any support?etc etc I told them I was fine and didn’t need anyone. They phoned Frenchay burns ward to find out what they should do,as that is the closest burns unit we have,which is about an hours drive away. They advised they de-roofed the blister and that they would see me at the burns clinic today at 1pm.

So they did that and dressed it and I was to go today to the burns clinic. Well I went,it had completely seeped through the rather large bandage they had put on the night before. The nurse at the burns clinic came,took off the dressing and then the doctor came in,he had a look and a prod and decided some areas were deeper than others and that as standard he wants to leave it 2 weeks to see what lives and what dies and if any of it needs grafting.

I feel so disappointed in myself,I hate that I have once again let everyone down,I am weak and pathetic.I hate it and I hate that I am once again back to hobbling around my flat in pain and have to wait 2 weeks to find out if it needs grafting again. So for now I have silver dressing on it to keep the bugs away,dressing change every 3 days.

As for food I ate a McDonalds today,so my diet isn’t exactly going to plan,so I basically feel shit all over.

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Posted by on 22/11/2013 in Uncategorized


wetting the bed

I have had a problem ever since I had my supra pubic catheter removed,I keep wetting myself and the bed,it is humiliating being a 29 year old woman and having to wear tena pants to bed,

The supra pubic catheter for those who don’t know is a catheter that goes directly into your bladder through a whole made in your stomach. I had it put in as an emergency and it was all really traumatic,I wrote about it in a previous blog entry.

But I had it in for about 8 months and since having it removed it has been a night mare, wetting myself day and night. I have followed advice from the specialists about not drinking caffeine (so know pepsi max cherry for me 😦 ) etc. The specialist recommended some meds,but is wary about me taking it as I have a history of going into retention,hence needing a catheter in the first place.

I am going to go to the doctors and ask whether he thinks I should take these meds or not. decisions decisions.

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Posted by on 13/11/2013 in Uncategorized