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Binge and then binge again

I have got into the worst habit of binging that I have been in since a I was in hosp in London and allowed on leave.

Tonight I ate a small dominos pizza,garlic bread,wedges,4 cookies,2 yoghurt’s a bread roll and a shakeaway.

I had got the binging under control,well I thought any ways. My weight was going down,which is a good as I had made it into the over weight category,I got down to the middle of the ‘normal’ category,now I am piling it all back on.

I am still anorexic at heart,but someone needs to tell my brain that, I just can’t stop binging. To go from being so anorexic for such a huge part of my life to now losing control so badly it is killing me. I just want to curl up and cry.

 
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Posted by on 12/11/2013 in Uncategorized

 

Depression and personal hygiene

personal hygiene has really gone slack for me,it always does when I am depressed,hardly brushing teeth,washing hair once a week,not taking a bath for days. I just give up on being clean,I am trying to brush my teeth more and take a bath more,but I lack the motivation it feels to draining,using energy I do not have.

I know I am not alone with this,personal hygiene seems to be the first thing to go when depressed,I mean why waste your energy when you don’t need to,but it makes you feel more disgusted in yourself and does little for your self esteem,which in turn feeds the depression.

It is a vicious cycle that is hard to get out of,many struggle with it,you are not alone.

 
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Posted by on 10/11/2013 in Uncategorized

 

The Joys Of Laxatives

I used to abuse laxatives pretty badly,2 packets a day,for quite a long time,I( have abused them on the odd occasion since.But I am still suffering the consequences, today whilst I was in town with a friend I couldn’t hold it in and it came out, there was no control whats so ever,this is not the first time this has happened to me, but it was the first time whilst with a friend. I had to waddle to the local toilets, try and clean myself up the best I could, my pants had to go in the sanitary bin,I had to pull back up my soiled leggings and walk home to bath and clean myself up properly.

The lesson being,do not abuse laxatives,they will cause long term damage, do you really want to be shitting yourself in town?

 
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Posted by on 26/10/2013 in Uncategorized

 

So why do I hate my birthday so much?

It was my birthday yesterday,a day that normally lands me in hospital,why you ask?surely you should be happy on your birthday,well I have obsessive thoughts to kill myself on my birthday. I shall now explain why it started and how it has got worse over the years.

It started when I was 14, my cousin committed suicide on her 18th birthday,she was a twin,which made it even harder for the family. Then 6 years ago another cousin died in a car crash,he was 17.

I picked up on the fact that everyone grieved for for cousin that died in the car crash on his birthday and then again on the day he died. my cousin that died on her birthday we would only grieve for her on the one day a year.

So in my head it made sense to me that I needed to die on my birthday, that way I would hurt my family less. So for the last 5 years I have been obsessed with the idea I need to die on my birthday.Now I can see it is illogical,now that my birthday has gone,but during the build up to my birthday and my actual birthday I have unbelievable suicidal thoughts and obsession. This thing takes over my mind and I become obsessed.

This year was my first birthday out of hospital for years, thanks to my amazing CPN, my amazing Dad and my wonderful twitter friends. You all got me through, no hospital,I had a ‘normal’ birthday (well kind of). But a big thank you to you all.

 
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Posted by on 16/08/2013 in Uncategorized

 

Doing the right thing

I had an alcohol problem,it started at a young age,I din’t really remember when,but I was always the one that had to get hammered at friends parties,school parties,weekends in the park with my mates. I was the one that always took it too far. I lost a lot of friends over it, but I didn’t care as I was having a good time.

I started drinking in the toilets at school,just a nip of vodka to get me through the day.

I started going to the pub when I was 15,it was a pub with the nick name ‘the rose and crèche’ instead of the rose and crown,as it was well known for selling to under aged people,the bar maid even bought me a drink on my 16th birthday.

I started going to clubs when I was 17, Again I would always be the one that took it too far,needing to be helped home,a burden to my friends.

Then when I turned 18ish I started drinking in my bedroom at home,always WKD blue or vodka, I didn’t care as long as it was alcohol.

It was when I moved out things got worse,I din’t have too hide what I was drinking from anyone any more,so I just drank more, it was easier,so why not.

I think things really started to go wrong when I started pouring my first drink of the night before going to work and allowing myself one sip,it was a sip to get me through the day.

I lost my job when I got really unwell mentally, it was for the best,I was struggling to look after myself let alone do my job.But I took it bad and felt like I had lost the last bit of everything I had achieved.

I used to go regularly to a certain pub,I loved that place,it was an alternative pub,played heavy metal music,I would wear my baggy jeans, skate shoes and hoodies. I found a family there,I could go in alone and always know someone.I loved it there.

One night the pub landlord noticed me,he was in his sixties, he was charming though and said that seeing me smile made him happy. I liked the attention,but I liked more that he kept giving me free vodka. I was in my element,I could hang out with my mates,whilst getting free drinks,in return for letting him touch my leg,kiss my cheek. I spent every day in that pub,drinking heavily. All the staff new I didn’t have to pay for my drinks,so I could have as many as I liked for free. I took full advantage of this.

Things got even heavier between me and the landlord,he invited me up to his flat above the pub for a meal,to make me feel less nervous he said I could bring my friend and her partner who happened to work on the bar at weekends. I let him hug me, touch me, kiss me, but I didn’t care because I was getting as much vodka as I liked. I went to several of these meals,but I didn’t care that he was groping me.

After a few months the relationship turned sexual, he gave me a set of keys to the pub so I could let myself in whenever I wanted and could drink what I wanted.

My mental health took even more of a turn for the worse and I had to move back in with my parents for 4 months. I had a rucksack that I used to carry around for me,I smuggled bottles of vodka into my parents house and once again went back to secretly drinking in my bedroom.

The mental health services were starting to say they would no longer take me on as a patient unless I stopped drinking.

I drank every day until I would pass out, I was hiding in the bottle,mainly due to my mental health problems but also due to the shame of my relationship with the pub landlord.

By my sisters 21st birthday I had moved back to my flat. I was still drinking heavily,going to the pub nearly every day or drinking at home,I was a wreck. On my sisters 21st birthday I ruined the whole thing by getting wasted and embarrassing myself in front of my whole family. I feel gutted about my sisters birthday till this day.

The next day I woke up and decided enough was enough,I had to stop,I sought help from a charity called BADAS,which was a drug and alcohol support charity. They helped me come off the alcohol, I can’t thank they enough for their support. I swore I would never drink again and I didn’t for 5 1/2 years.

But I have started drinking again,it started when I came out of hospital after a year in there. I think I wanted to rebel,do something I shouldn’t,but anyways,I bought that first bottle of vodka and there I was right back at the beginningo way near as bad as before,but I was sat in my flat drinking vodka alone. Most of you will have seen my drunken tweets,that is how wasted I get.

But not any more,I have given up once again,it has been nearly a week,I had the shakes really bad for the first two days,but they eased off,now I am feeling great,if not slightly proud of myself. I do not want to become what I did before,some of the things I have done I am so ashamed of,but they are what I am using as my motivation to once again stay sober.Wish me luck!

 
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Posted by on 31/07/2013 in Uncategorized

 

First negative comments

Today I had my first negative comments about my arms from a stranger,I have been going out short sleeved for nearly a week now. They said “ugh how can anyone do that to their arms” as I walked past, do you know what,it didn’t bother me,I don’t care what people think any more,they can say what they like. This is the way I am, tough shit!

 
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Posted by on 23/07/2013 in Uncategorized

 

Diary entry number four

When I moved back to the BPD unit I was so happy to be away from the EDU, I thought things would be different,I thought I would soon come off 1:1 and settle in to the ward, but I was wrong. I was kept on 1:1 for 24 weeks, I was not allowed any escorted leave for 26 weeks, I was a prisoner.

I suffer with dissociation a lot at times,but I went through my worst period of dissociation whilst there, my family came to visit one Saturday, I remember them being there,we played a board game,but apparently I just stopped talking and wasn’t upset when they left like I normally was. I do not remember anything from that afternoon until the following Thursday, during that time I had ward round,which I don’t remember having, apparently I sat in the hallway begging for someone to help me, which I don’t remember, but worst of all (bearing in mind I was still on 1:1) I straightened out 4 staples and inserted them into my arm, so much that they couldn’t be seen. I had to go to A&E again and on the X-ray you could clearly see them,I also followed four staples, I ended up having them surgically removed. But it was scary going for such a long period of not remembering, Saturday till Thursday.

DBT was the treatment there, now I have not done DBT before and I had a hard job grasping it, it didn’t make sense to me. It didn’t help that it was taught by different staff each day, some who were great and passionate, others who let us just play hang man as they didn’t understand what they were meant to be teaching us. Like I say some of the staff were excellent, truly they were, but others well hang man for gods sake.

one of the most annoying things was when staff fell asleep whilst doing my 1:1’s,they would snore and keep me awake, I complained about it so many times. I remember one time getting up to go to the loo, flushing the chain and getting back into bed and the member of staff didn’t even stir,she carried on snoring.

Twice me and another patient were left on a locked ward alone by accident,we were told it was a simple mistake, but it shouldn’t have happened,my toilet was locked at the time as I used to have to have my toilet locked at all times to stop me purging on the ward, so I had to use my fellow patients loo.

When I started getting leave it was escorted,but after a few weeks it was un escorted and the binging and purging started again. One weekend I had 4 hours leave,I binged and purged for the whole time,in the end I fainted in the shopping centre and hit my head on a wall. Everyone crowded around me and that is what I woke up to, the staff at the shopping centre were really kind and gave me a blanket and called an ambulance, when the ambulance turned up I explained the reason why I had fainted and they took me back to the unit.

Binging and purging carried on on leave, I was well and truly hooked again and the weight soon started to pile on,I reached the highest weight in years,but just couldn’t stop the binging. When I started going home on weekend leave my Dad stayed with me,so I would binge at the train station before meeting him.

I was discharged on the 12/12/2012,since then I have had 2 skin grafts to cover burns, another that needed a graft but I refused. I have OD’d twice,I am now suffering from A Typical bulimia, no longer anorexia, so am I in a better place now? that I don’t know the answer to.

 
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Posted by on 21/07/2013 in Uncategorized