I had an alcohol problem,it started at a young age,I din’t really remember when,but I was always the one that had to get hammered at friends parties,school parties,weekends in the park with my mates. I was the one that always took it too far. I lost a lot of friends over it, but I didn’t care as I was having a good time.
I started drinking in the toilets at school,just a nip of vodka to get me through the day.
I started going to the pub when I was 15,it was a pub with the nick name ‘the rose and crèche’ instead of the rose and crown,as it was well known for selling to under aged people,the bar maid even bought me a drink on my 16th birthday.
I started going to clubs when I was 17, Again I would always be the one that took it too far,needing to be helped home,a burden to my friends.
Then when I turned 18ish I started drinking in my bedroom at home,always WKD blue or vodka, I didn’t care as long as it was alcohol.
It was when I moved out things got worse,I din’t have too hide what I was drinking from anyone any more,so I just drank more, it was easier,so why not.
I think things really started to go wrong when I started pouring my first drink of the night before going to work and allowing myself one sip,it was a sip to get me through the day.
I lost my job when I got really unwell mentally, it was for the best,I was struggling to look after myself let alone do my job.But I took it bad and felt like I had lost the last bit of everything I had achieved.
I used to go regularly to a certain pub,I loved that place,it was an alternative pub,played heavy metal music,I would wear my baggy jeans, skate shoes and hoodies. I found a family there,I could go in alone and always know someone.I loved it there.
One night the pub landlord noticed me,he was in his sixties, he was charming though and said that seeing me smile made him happy. I liked the attention,but I liked more that he kept giving me free vodka. I was in my element,I could hang out with my mates,whilst getting free drinks,in return for letting him touch my leg,kiss my cheek. I spent every day in that pub,drinking heavily. All the staff new I didn’t have to pay for my drinks,so I could have as many as I liked for free. I took full advantage of this.
Things got even heavier between me and the landlord,he invited me up to his flat above the pub for a meal,to make me feel less nervous he said I could bring my friend and her partner who happened to work on the bar at weekends. I let him hug me, touch me, kiss me, but I didn’t care because I was getting as much vodka as I liked. I went to several of these meals,but I didn’t care that he was groping me.
After a few months the relationship turned sexual, he gave me a set of keys to the pub so I could let myself in whenever I wanted and could drink what I wanted.
My mental health took even more of a turn for the worse and I had to move back in with my parents for 4 months. I had a rucksack that I used to carry around for me,I smuggled bottles of vodka into my parents house and once again went back to secretly drinking in my bedroom.
The mental health services were starting to say they would no longer take me on as a patient unless I stopped drinking.
I drank every day until I would pass out, I was hiding in the bottle,mainly due to my mental health problems but also due to the shame of my relationship with the pub landlord.
By my sisters 21st birthday I had moved back to my flat. I was still drinking heavily,going to the pub nearly every day or drinking at home,I was a wreck. On my sisters 21st birthday I ruined the whole thing by getting wasted and embarrassing myself in front of my whole family. I feel gutted about my sisters birthday till this day.
The next day I woke up and decided enough was enough,I had to stop,I sought help from a charity called BADAS,which was a drug and alcohol support charity. They helped me come off the alcohol, I can’t thank they enough for their support. I swore I would never drink again and I didn’t for 5 1/2 years.
But I have started drinking again,it started when I came out of hospital after a year in there. I think I wanted to rebel,do something I shouldn’t,but anyways,I bought that first bottle of vodka and there I was right back at the beginningo way near as bad as before,but I was sat in my flat drinking vodka alone. Most of you will have seen my drunken tweets,that is how wasted I get.
But not any more,I have given up once again,it has been nearly a week,I had the shakes really bad for the first two days,but they eased off,now I am feeling great,if not slightly proud of myself. I do not want to become what I did before,some of the things I have done I am so ashamed of,but they are what I am using as my motivation to once again stay sober.Wish me luck!