>I have become a huge fat disgusting pig, I want to cry and cut all of the fat out of me. What makes it worse is I can’t stop adding to it, I am completely locked in a binge purge cycle, it is disgusting. Last night at 10:45 pm I was scoffing pizza, wedges, cookies and waffles from dominos. I am out of control. I am gaining weight at a phenomenal rate, I have gone from a BMI of 14.8 to 15.9 in a matter of weeks. I cannot cope with this. Every night I go to bed and say I wont allow it to happen the next day, but sure enough I do.
I was so close to finally getting the help I needed to get better from my ED, but I am now scared that as I am gaining weight they are going to brush me to one side. Monday was really controlled food wise, yesterday was until I decided to order pizza instead of going to bed, today has just been hell. My instinct is to try and restrict more than ever, it is what the anorexic part of me wants me to do, but the bulimic part of me is growing in strength and becoming the dominant voice in my head.
I CANNOT BARE THIS. I HATE EVERY INCH OF ME.
I have got a hamster, I did get two, but Jerry would not stop biting me, he was vicious. Apparently that is really unusual as roborovski dwarf hamsters are the least likely to bite, he would bite for no reason, I tried to grin and bare it, but he was getting worse, so he had to go back. Ben is the other one and is cute, very cute actually and is a welcome distraction from my mind. Bob and Betty are being quite good, they are interested, but not overly fussed. We can be one big ‘happy’ family.
I am fighting a war,mine just happens to be with life 
lotte
23/02/2011 at 4:29 pm
>I hate bulimia more than Anorexia…..its scarier and less predictable. I know what you mean about getting help BUT remember Bulimia is as much of an eating disorder as Anorexia and I hate to say this but a BMI of 15.9 is still very low…..and I know that i should not say this eiter but part of me (the ED voice) is jealous that your BMI is so low but the part that is fighting so hard for recovery is trying to shut up the ED…..I HATE HAVING AN EATING DISORDER…..I know how hard it is and I know how much you must be struggling BUT try not to go back to restricting so tightly…..easier said than done i knowTake Care Amyx x x x x
Michael Paoli
24/02/2011 at 2:22 pm
>(1/2)DON'T PANIC – Douglas AdamsFirst of all, you are *not* fat. Try to *not* listen to that eatingdisorder (ED) voice in your head. It's rather like you've got a chunk of Lotte's Richard in your head. It speaks unkind untruths – pay it no mind when it speaks such – it's unkind and untrue – ignore it – at least as much as you can.Try to skip the purge – it doesn't do much with the calories and such, and the purging is really nasty and hard on you. Best to skip the purge entirely, at least if you can.You're a beautiful person. Got to stop listening to ED bits or anything or anyone else that's being cruel and untrue in telling you otherwise.Aye, the tragedy! Domino's … I don't know about UK, but if it's like the Domino's Pizza in the US, that's *really* sucky pizza. Ewwww… it *does* look to be the same pizza, … yuck! Binge might not be torture, … but *Domino's Pizza*? Surely, at least replace it with some food that's not such cruel and unusual punishment. Surely you deserve *much* better than Domino's Pizza.(Domino's Pizza used to do "30 minutes or it's free" – you order, they have your pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less, or it's free. They changed that offer a wee bit after they got sued over one of their speeding drivers hitting someone. Nevertheless, they used to do it in 30 minutes. So, to make a reasonably edible pizza … let's say you've already got the dough mixed. So, you stretch, work, spin it, and lay it out to apply sauce and toppings – that's at least 2, probably a good 3 minutes. Okay, sauce, toppings, … that's another 2 minutes or more. Now, put it in the oven – that's another minute, … cook it in the oven, … that's at least 20 minutes … pull it out, slice it and box it for delivery, get the box to the driver's vehicle – at least another 2 minutes. So, so far we've got … at least 27 minutes. Now figure it takes at *least* 10 minutes to deliver. That's *at least* 37 minutes total … but they do it in 30 – so obviously there's something wrong with this picture. That their pizza tastes quite indistinguishable from the cardboard box it's delivered in, is not surprising, as they're obviously taking some massive shortcuts.)So, yeah, skip the Domino's Pizza torture, and at least upgrade to something edible.BMI – Hey, congratulations on the increase! You've been way low/under, and are still quite low, so adding some there is *good*! (okay, so the methodology and self attitude about it could use some work, but the BMI pick-up is good).Maybe just let it run its course? If the binges aren't so big as to pose substantial medical risk themselves, at least for the time being, the binges may not be a problem. Purges are problematic and unhealthy – try to skip those – or at least minimize them and their impact. Even with binges, your body will only hang onto so much of that so fast – most of it won't "stick" – certainly not very quickly, anyway, … so … "DON'T PANIC" š Perhaps just let it go for a week or two or even three, if that's what it takes, … maybe the binges will go away or fade way back by then. In the meantime, try not to worry about it – certainly at least not too much anyway. Now, … *if*, three weeks from now, you're still stuck on continual ongoing binge, then we can revisit the topic … but is that really a danger? Have you ever binged for more than three weeks straight? In any case, you're not there presently, so no need to worry prematurely about something that may not even happen.
Michael Paoli
24/02/2011 at 2:24 pm
>(2/2)You've got an eating disorder – no question about that – they shouldn't be brushing you aside or anything of the sort just because you're binging or binging/purging, rather than restricting/starving. Still very much an illness very much deserving of proper treatment. So, again, DON'T PANIC – hopefully you can get in suitable program/treatment, regardless of what the at-the-moment state of your ED happens to be.Don't be hard on yourself. Try and be caring and kind. Think how you'd treat a friend or loved one in your situation. Now try and apply that care and concern to yourself – it's the least you can do. You well deserve to be treated with love, care, concern and respect.And trust me on the Domino's Pizza. Surely you can find something better to eat than Domino's Pizza.
mel_d_1992
24/02/2011 at 8:04 pm
>Hun, BMI 15.9 is not fat at all. I know me saying that isn't going to make any difference, because I always felt huge at low BMIs, but I'm gonna say it anyway :PHope you're ok x x x