I had my second meeting with the head of the home treatment team today, my care co-ordinator was here as well. We kind of went over the same stuff really, just the patterns of my behaviour etc. I still have no care plan in place, but they said that it is going to be a really complicated one, which is why it is taking so long, next week they will have put together a draft that I can look at and add to.

I was surprised to be told that I hadn’t yet been put on the waiting list for DBT yet(which is about a year) , but I was told that I had been. There is a chance that I might be able to start group art therapy on Friday though, which I am pleased about. For the mean time I have my care co-ordinator to contact during the day and the crisis team out of hours, but the crisis team are no longer going to be visiting. My care co-ordinator is going to arrange an appointment with the psychiatrist to re look at my meds.

I think the thing that stood out from the meeting was something the head of the HTT said, he said something along the lines of “we need to get you to the point where you can go in an ambulance, get your stitches and come back home safely”. I have been told many of times that trying to stop me self harming is not the aim, that is why I am classed as a ‘chronic’ self harmer. It is the obsessional and extremely dangerous stuff that we need to work on, but I guess it was just a bit of a shock hearing someone so casually say that.

Today I binged and purged for the first time in ages, I feel very gutted about it and it has stirred up a lot of feelings that I haven’t felt for a while. I haven’t got my scales, as I stupidly asked my Dad to bring them in when I was in hospital and the nurse made my Dad take them back home, so they are at my parents and I am to worried to ask for them back from my Dad as the nurse pointed out to him that is was feeding my ED, but I feel extremely anxious not knowing how much weight I have gained. I may purchase a new pair, I am not sure.

My self harm is the same as ‘normal’ for me, I can cope with that, but the scary obsession is growing already, that is what I can’t cope with. I am not going through that again, I can’t, I cannot take it mentally and physically. I would rather die than go through it again.